Respect Each Relationship Individually

Good Morning Blogfam!

Today I am going to talk about the importance of showing respect to each and every one of your relationships on an individual basis.  The way you communicate or interact with one person may not work for the next person.  I believe that some people tend to put all their relationships in one box and that is normally when conflict happens.  Whether it be a friend, partner, family member, co-worker, or your boss it is very important to know exactly what type of person you are dealing with.

I have a friend who is very close to me whom I have never had an issue with.  Mainly because over the years she and I have learned each other, established our boundaries, and set standards for our friendship.  This is something that I am still learning because I tend to be an open book but that doesn't always work with everyone your interact with.  Some people don't want you to divulge certain information and some want to know anything and everything about your life.  It is also important to be cognizant of who you're speaking to because we are all at different stages in our life and certain topics may not be relevant certain people.  There are also those who could care less whether you are dependable or reliable because maybe they have others that they can depend on...then you have others who get pissed and want to "de-friend" you if you let them down.  My point is it's different strokes for different folks and it is extremely important to treat everyone as an individual and determine if you should stroke fast or slow.

When it comes to romantic relationships it is only fair to treat each and every one of your partners, regardless of particular circumstances, as individuals.  The person who you are with now is not the person you were with before and while it is important to be take each experience with you, don't hold someone accountable for something someone else has done to you.  Until they show you that they are the same person, you must treat them as if they are different...because they are.  This is one of the classic reasons why relationships fail to move forward because you have that person who has been cheated on, used, and abused and when they get with the next person they are constantly over-analyzing their behavior due to their fear of being hurt again.  With that being said, if you know you don't have the proper level of strength then you may have to modify your relationships to accommodate your mental or emotional capacity.  If you are incapable of individualizing your relationships, the confusion that will result from it could ultimately affect your state of mind.

Quote of the Day: "No one has the right to make someone who they want them to be for their sole benefit as that is selfish.  Respect everyone's right to be unique." ~ Candice Loper

When you know better you do better....right?

Good Morning Blogfam,

You would think it's a simple statement that is easy to live by: You know better you do better!

I am a living example that it is easier said than done.  I am sure we have all did something that we know was wrong but continued to do it regardless of the consequences.  Many people tend to use their lack of parental guidance as reasons for their negligence.  Once you get to a certain age, that excuse doesn't work anymore.  For example, even if your parents never had a conversation with you about sex eventually you learn the basics of sex in school, you learn about STI's, you learn about AIDS, and you learn about pregnancy.  So why do we still have so many young mothers, fathers, and people with diseases?  Because for some strange reason, even when we know better we choose to experience things for ourselves before grasping the lesson.  It's a personal choice that we make to do the right thing and when we do it speaks highly of our character and ability to be individuals.  However, not enough people realize that when they make the wrong decisions it is also a testament to how weak they are or how disrespectful they choose to be to the gift of life they've been given.

I have had too many situations stemming from an early age where I did the wrong thing and to be honest, it hasn't been too long now that I have focused on doing the right things.  I had relationships with people who lets just say did some not so great things and I had to suffer many consequences due to their actions and my bad decisions.  Please take note to the word "people"!  Clearly you can see that I had dealings with at least one person who did some not so great things but somehow I ended up making it plural by dealing with another who was basically on the same path.  Did I know better after the first one?  Yes.  Did I have the ability or mental strength to do what I knew was right?  Nope!  I was pretty much living for the "right now" and not taking into consideration the fact that I had children who would be affected if the inevitable happened.  Of course I can't blame the consequences I suffered on those individuals because people will only do what you allow them to. 

Once you've suffered enough hardship it serves as motivation to live better because it takes a toll on your mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically to constantly live life "dodging bullets" and learning hard lessons.  Only you can decide when you are ready to take responsibility for your life and stop placing the blame on your circumstances.  You must realize that it takes personal growth and maturity to make those decisions and that doesn't come overnight but don't let it take a lifetime.  If you don't want to be considered average, don't do average things.  You have to think and act above the rest!

Quote of the Day: "The strong are inspired to do the right things and the weak are influenced to do the wrong things." ~ Candice Loper

Is Being Single That Bad?

Good Morning Blogfam!

Have you ever felt incomplete being single?  I can tell you that I have felt that way before.  When being in a relationship whether it was good or bad it gave me a sense of fulfillment so I had no desire to be a single person.  Of course we all have those moments when we get tired of looking at or being around the person we are with but it's rarely ever constant unless it's just really bad.  However, in the past I have made the decision to leave my partner several times but then the fear of being single always drew me back in.  Of course I blamed it on love and missing him but when I got to the root of it...I just didn't want to be alone so I was willing to be with a person who I know wasn't good for me just for the sake of being with someone.  I told myself I didn't want to be solely responsible for the bills, I need help with the kids, I need sex...blah, blah, blah!!!  That was nothing but excuses to stay in a conditional relationship that provided little benefits and many hindrances.   Eventually I got to a point where I was forced to be single with no clear rebound in sight which gave me time to be by myself (not alone).

During my single period (which I am still in) I was able to learn so much about myself that I never had the chance to learn being with someone.  But wait!  Did I really not have the chance to learn it previously??  Of course I did, it was just another excuse I made to validate why I chose a man over my goals.  I was able to figure out who I was, what I liked, and what I really didn't like.  I was able to focus on things that I let slip through the cracks when being with someone, because of course during that time my primary focus was my man.  I had to dig deep down within Candice and find the peace that would allow me to be happy no matter what and make the next person happy.  I believe that some people have the ability to read a person and sense their weakness or vulnerability.  You have some that stay away from it and you have others that take advantage of it and use it to their advantage.  But I have found if you are peaceful and secure with yourself, no one will be able to pull the wool over your eyes because you'll already know better.

I have had many moments of feeling like I just wasn't capable of being a single mother.  If I felt that way with one child, imagine how I felt once I had three and had to do it alone.  Now don't get me wrong, I do have periodic support but on a day-to-day basis...it's all up to me.  However, I have taken on a different perspective to my situation.  Being a single mother, responsible for three people, working full time, going to school, and living my life has provided me with a sense of fulfillment and purpose that I have never known before.  So I asked myself...is being single that bad?  My answer was NO!  I had to complete myself to realize that I don't need a man to complete me but more so to compliment me. 

Whether you're in a relationship or not, a good thing to do today would be to ask yourself a few questions:

Do I know who I am?
Do I know my purpose?
Am I afraid to be single?
Does my partner compliment me or complete me?

Quote of the Day:  "Don't rely on anyone to be the one just for the sake of being with someone." ~ Candice Loper

Insecurity + Ability to Trust/Mental Abuse = Bad Relationship

Good Morning Blogfam!


I wanted to start the week off talking about something that has been on my mind heavy.  When people have insecurities within themselves they normally find it very difficult to trust the person they're with.  I have been there before...where I didn't know my worth, I let my man beat me down mentally, and lost my ability to trust him.  It wasn't necessarily due to anything I knew for a fact he was doing....it was simply because I wasn't secure with myself or my ability to be the woman that I thought he wanted or needed.  However, once I thought to myself...why should I trust him anyway if I can't even count on him to lift me up and make me feel loved.  When you hear someone tell you enough that your hair doesn't look right, you're too skinny, calling you all type of names, and constantly reminding you of your lack of achievements it can start to wear on you and make you feel like less of a person.  So eventually you get to the point where you start second guessing yourself and everyone you see looks better than you, has more than you, and has the potential to turn your man on more than you.  Those are just mental demons attacking your mind and blocking your blessings...don't fall for it! 


I put this on my Facebook page several weeks ago:

"When insecurities are eliminated from your life...your ability to trust becomes stronger. If you feel you have this issue...re-evaluate your own life and determine your areas of improvement. It all starts with self before you can be a benefit to all else."

So I thought to myself..what can I possibly do to eliminate these insecurities?  Now don't get me wrong it took me a very long time to recognize my worth and realize that everything that had been embedded in my mind was someone elses negative depiction of me and not what I depicted of myself.  So I re-evaluated some things and the first thing I did was get rid of the main reason why I had began to question my abilities in the first place.  The Man!  The negative energy that I was being surrounded with was not in my best interest.  The next thing I did was I realized who I used to be before I let someone else take over my mind.  Once I found her again and tweaked a few things to create the me I am today...I started feeling a whole lot better.  The last thing I did was figure out what I needed to do to be the best person I could be and build up my strength to ensure that it wouldn't happen again. 

So let's see...I took the steps to get rid of my insecurities which has a trickle down effect to allow me to begin to trust again and I definitely got rid of the mental abuse by eliminating the negative force behind that.  So in turn it placed me into a fabulous relationship with MYSELF!  I realized that in order to trust someone else I had to trust myself first.  I discovered so many things about myself and was able to be a better somebody then I ever had been before.  Now that my relationship with myself is strong it has humbled me in knowing that I can now be of value to any relationship I enter into in the future.  Being secure is an awesome feeling.

Quote of the Day: "Never let your insecurities block your blessings or happiness. You may not be bringing the whole turkey to the table..but if you can supply the sides you are just as important." ~ Candice Loper

Be Thankful for Each Day!

Happy Saturday Blogfam!

The best thing you can do for yourself is...be thankful!  Being thankful means that you have the ability and desire to appreciate the big and small things.  You may be at a point where you don't have a whole lot of money but you do have the ability to be appreciative of the $20 you have to get you to payday or your next opportunity.   Its all about your perspective!

I can remember a time when I felt like I was at my lowest.  Just due to a compilation of situations and circumstances simultaneously...I was left out here in the world with no job, no car, no home, limited funds, no partner, and three children.  There is no doubt that I had my bad days, however I looked at each new day as a new opportunity to work towards completing what I wasn't able to the day before.  I was also able to be thankful of the fact that I had a MAJOR support system.  It took me a long time to figure out how to remain optimistic and have faith during tough times.  I remember several times when I told myself "Candice..it WILL get better, God just wants me to increase my endurance and ability to deal with a struggle."  It definitely worked and now my new found perspective helps me see the upside to things.  It's not that bad!

Since it is a beautiful Saturday...I won't flood you with too many words!

Quote for the Day: "Don't complain about what you don't have...because there is so much that you do have...and so much left out for you to get.  A few of the ingredients in the recipe to personal success is: work hard, practice patience, be a good person, and be THANKFUL!" ~ Candice Loper

Have You Been Consistent?

Good Morning BlogFam!

Today I will talk about consistency.  Have you ever had an issue with being consistent?  I can honestly say that I have.  You know...its almost like normal behavior to start off doing things a certain way and then eventually you find yourself behaving differently.  Well I am here to tell you that doing that could have a major affect on your relationship, your job, and even the level of trust or confidence that others have in you.

Imagine this...you meet someone and you know..you really like them.  You guys go out to eat 3 times a week, movies every weekend, you laugh together, you take walks in the park, you talk on the phone EVERY night before going to bed, and you just have an overall good time together.  But then after about a year or so when you start to get serious, all of a sudden you realize that you haven't been out to dinner in a month, you haven't seen any of the new movies that have come out, oh and a park...what is that??  Now you find yourself being slowly stripped of some of the things that initially drew you close to this person in the first place.  So you start to feel like you've been hit with the famous "bait and switch".  Then there is always the question: Where do I go from here?  Of course a year is quite a bit of time to feel like you want to just call it off.  However, if this person is not willing to do all those things anymore that they did to get you....then you have to make a wise decision...and only you would know what that is.

It's no different than being in the workplace.  We've all done it where we go on an interview and lay all our skills, attributes, and experience on the table so we can land the job.  Then you have some who get the job and come in and have no idea what to do, they're lazy, they're late all the time, etc.  Well basically you did one thing to get the job but you weren't willing to do that same thing to keep it.  It's all about consistency and your ability to deliver.

Don't ever underestimate the power of consistency because it can make or break situations.  Celebrities, athletes, and other wealthy people have it happen to them all the time.  They marry someone and they get them accustomed to a certain lifestyle and when the relationship ends, they end up paying massive amounts of money out their pocket just because they are required to uphold the lifestyle that their spouse was used to.  Use that analogy in your personal situation.  If you get someone used to something make sure you have the ability or desire to be consistent because its not fair to strip someone of their comfort that YOU helped create. 

Now don't get me confused, I am not saying that it takes money or things to keep someone happy.  Even if you spoiled a person with your words or your affection...make sure you keep that up too as it is all relevant.

Quote of the Day:  "Whatever you did on that first day, make sure you keep it that way if you want them to stay." ~ Candice Loper

What Does Love Mean To You?

I have been back and forth on the topic of love.  I do feel that it is a special feeling that can make a huge difference in the lives of others if it is displayed properly and if it is genuine.  I believe the biggest issue with love is it is specific to each and every one of us and everyone is constantly looking for the actions based on THEIR definition of it.  You know..in my world my determination on whether or not someone loves me may be based on how often they take me to dinner or how often they call my phone.  It could also be determined by how many times they tell me they love me.  However, in another persons world it may be determined by whether or not they can depend on you in a time of need.  Like I said...its very specific to each and every one of us and no particular perspective on it is right or wrong.  This is where we fall short...we expect another person to love us the way we want to be loved without explaining to them what our definition of love is.  It's like expecting someone to deliver the unknown.  If you don't let a person know then just be prepared to let them go because it will get to that point eventually.

Its also important for us to understand that love is feeling.  Don't put to much weight on love because if you allow it to be a factor when making certain decisions you will constantly find yourself being uncertain.  Think about how a person treats you, whether or not you can depend on them, how they treat themselves and others, what value the relationship has brought to your life, and finally take into consideration how you treat them and if your feelings are genuine.  My point is try not to focus so much on the word "love" because its simply just a word that we use to express ourselves in an instant to another person. 

In my last blog entry I stated that I feel that love gets blamed for way too much.  Well think about it for a second.  You have been with someone for 10 years (which normally automatically means to certain people that they love them), it hasn't been the best relationship, and you know for the most part you are pretty darn miserable.  However, you continue to stay, you want to work it out, you won't give up hope....why???  Oh because you love them.  However, if the love was as strong as it should be why are you trying so hard to keep it together.  Love is a feeling...it's not a reason!  Love lives in your heart while common sense and logic lives in our minds.  Let your mind guide you because your heart can not handle that type of responsibility.  Your heart is like the employee who does all the work but your mind is like the supervisor that says "for the most part you're doing a good job but I don't think the decision you made is in your best interest." 

When you've had enough people tell you they love you but then turn around and hurt you, it gives you a different perspective.  When someone loves you they won't do anything to intentionally hurt you or cause you any pain. 

Quote of the Day:  "You can't focus on the ones who tell you they love you...you can only trust and believe the ones who SHOW you they love you." Candice Loper 

Want to lead a peaceful existence??

I am going to share with you my thoughts on several areas in life that I feel are required to help us lead a peaceful existence as well as some of the reasons that people don’t.

The first area I would like to speak on is Perspective!  Years ago I found myself constantly complaining about my circumstances and always asking “why me?”…”what did I do to deserve this?”  However, when there never seemed like a clear answer was available I began to change my perspective.  That is when I realized that I can continue to feel like the victim or I can be appreciative of the fact that God has trusted me enough to be responsible for the livelihood of 3 other people.  He felt as though I was smart enough and strong enough to increase the value of the world through myself and my children.  So with that newfound perspective it motivated me to be the best person I could be with everything I have been given and worked so hard for.  Ever since then…I have slowly but surely realized my purpose.   I had to let go of who I thought I was in order to find out who I was supposed to be.  I had to realize that letting go is not the end of the world....it could very well be my start to a new life in the existing world.  And you know what..praise God it has worked pretty well so far.  I feel that its important for us to understand the power of perspective…those who look at situations from a negative perspective will never seek the satisfaction in life that they are entitled to.  We are ALL entitled to and deserve happiness…because happiness is self-attained.  Its nothing that anyone else is responsible for providing to us.  Which is why I feel that “if you change your thoughts…you’ll see a change in results.  As no one has ever prospered by being pessimistic.”   There will always be problems, its your outlook, perception and ability to deal with those problems that determines your true strength and character. 

 The next area that I believe is very important is Accountability.  We have all had moments of wanting to blame others so we don’t feel convicted or because we’re in denial about the part we played.  We’ve all had moments where we made excuses hoping it would negate the fact that we just weren’t capable of delivering what we said we would.  Whether it be showing up on time or showing up at all.  Either way it goes at the end of the day…because we are in complete control of ourselves…its not somethings fault its your fault.  There is no harm in accepting it just be willing to correct it.  The problem is people have a hard time admitting to their flaws, therefore they always need a scapegoat.  However, if they were to look at each situation as a learning experience it would probably motivate them to do the right thing the next time around.  I feel that if you make an excuse you’re not recognizing the learning opportunity there… which means the chances of it happening again is much more likely. 

Which brings me to love and relationships.  I am not married nor am I in a relationship right now.  However, I have had many relationships over the years that have taken me through a lot and also taught me a whole lot. I have tolerated things that no woman should…and when I looked back on it…the only thing I could say was “I loved him or I thought he cared about me”.  But when I reflected on some of those situations I finally realized that if someone loves and cares about you they won’t do anything to intentionally cause you any pain.  However, if I loved and cared about myself as I should have….I wouldn’t have involved myself in any situation that I KNEW was causing me pain.  So as you can see…we can blame another person for our pain but we can also hold ourselves accountable and just focus on mitigating the risk of it happening again.  You are in control of YOUR destiny!!!  If you don’t like something…change it.   I know its easier said than done but I have seen far too many women waste massive amounts of time on unhealthy relationships.  I’ve seen women lose faith in the possibility of a healthy relationship or a good man. Then the feeling of failure and lack of patience in the process of restoring faith is what normally draws them right back to an unhealthy relationship.  They tend to find themselves on a constant merry-go-round and you want to know why??  Normally its because they either don’t know what they want, they compromise what they want JUST to be with someone, they have a false perception of love or they haven’t identified their worth.  Its no secret that women have a history of loving hard and putting all of their emotions on the table.  However, not everyone can handle what comes with that.  Because we love so hard…we tend to use love as a scapegoat for staying in unhealthy relationships.  I feel that love gets blamed for way too much.  “Love is a feeling…not a reason so we have to stop blaming it for our shortcomings or weaknesses.”  Love didn’t make you stay with that man, love didn’t make you sleep with that man, love didn’t make you have children with that man….YOU chose to do all of those things.  Also, I’m sure we all know that with unhealthy relationships there can be a lot of pain, uncertainty and anguish involved so I always try to provide uplifting words to others to help them get through it.  Everyone handles pain in their own way and in their own time. One thing I have come to realize is for the most part pain is temporary. It doesn’t last forever.  So don't be afraid to make certain decisions because you fear that you may be in pain.... The sooner you make the decision and start the hurting and healing process, the sooner it will be over with.  My analogy on unhealthy relationships is: A bad relationship is like a broke down automobile. You might get it to start up again but chances are depending on how severe the complications are more problems will persist and you will continue to break down. Eventually you will get to a point where you have decide if you want to continue to put more work and time into it or just junk it and go get something new.  And just because a relationship goes south…it doesn’t mean you weren’t a good person and it doesn’t mean that your partner wasn’t a good person.  People can be great individually and a disaster collectively. 

The ability to recognize your worth is also important.   Recognizing your self-worth means you don’t feel the need to be validated by anyone else.  Which is why I feel that if you allow yourself to be validated by others you are relying on them to determine your worth.  If you know your worth first...then everything else will simply serve as confirmation of what you already know to be true because it all starts with you.  I don’t think people realize that when you seek validation you are putting yourself out there to be misguided. If you can't do anything in life without someone patting you on the back...then you may need to work on improving your self-actualization.  We must realize that there will only be one of each of us.  There will be many replicas but what makes us unique is our ability to be ourselves.  What works for one may not work for another which is why it is very important to do what YOU know to be right.  There is no need to borrow others views when you already own yours!

All in all, I feel that in order to be the best person you can be in addition to having God in your life…there are many factors involved in achieving that.  To name a few…accountability, responsibility, a positive perspective, a sense of purpose, and most importantly the DESIRE to want to be the best you can be.  So since I would like to make a difference in the world and in the lives of those directly or indirectly close to me….I have started with myself and now I’m working my way outwards.  Because I'm a firm believer that what you put out in the universe...you get back in some way, shape, or form.  So even if it is seeing someone else benefit from what I have said that works for me.  

Time is infinite and while we’re here on this Earth it is definite.  There are no breaks or timeouts.  Therefore utilize it to the best of your ability because it is the ONLY thing besides opportunity that its okay to take advantage of!

Introducing Candy Girl to the World

I am Candice Loper and I am so pleased that you decided to view my blog.  I am new to this but I am sure as with most things, I will figure it out fairly quickly.  I have been motivated to start a blog because I have so much to say and have the desire to share it with as many people as I can.  

To give you a brief summary of my backgroung. For majority of my life I was raised in a single parent household.  My mother was my sole provider and I would say she did a pretty good job considering how hard of a job it is to raise two children by yourself.  I always appreciated everything she did and everything she didn't do.  It gave me a chance to make some mistakes so I could have substance in my life and learning experiences at an early age. During my junior high and high school years I didn't receive much guidance, so that was the time period where I made many mistakes.   I entered into my first serious relationship at the age of 14 and remained in that relationship for almost five years.  I'd like to believe that I successfully completed school because I was at least smart enough to know that it was the least I needed to do to be even slightly successful.  I also always loved the idea of responsibility so I always held a job...at times two jobs while attending school.  So of course, the inevitable happened when I was 17.  I found out I was pregnant with my first child (yes...first).  So that is when everything got REAL and I knew what I had to do.  I realized that it's not just about me anymore...it's about us...myself and this little person who God has entrusted me to carry and care for.  So I graduated from high school in June and I gave birth to my first daughter in October.  I managed to move out of my mothers home as I was not willing to be a burden on her with raising a child in her home.  I figured if I was old enough to get pregnant and have a child then I must be mature enough to do what adults do and get my own.  So, with the normal trend of having a child at a young age and not being married, my relationship abruptly ended when my daughter was 1 year old.  So then, at the tender age of 19 I was faced with the responsibility of being a single mother.  However, I embraced it because it wasn't the end of the world.  I mean I had a job, I had a beautiful healthy child and I had my health.  So over the next 3 1/2 years I lived life to the fullest.  I did whatever I wanted to do and didn't think about any consequences.  I was free!!!  So at the tender age of 23, I decided that I wanted to settle down and get married.  Well lets just say it didn't work out the way I had hoped.  However between the ages of 24 and 25 I did manage to add two more children to my family.  So of course, the inevitable happened AGAIN!!!  Yup...you guessed it!  Single mother again...the only difference was this time I was single mother of 3 and not just 1.  So of course I started asking myself why why why!!!  I didn't do anything to deserve this, none of this is my fault, its EVERYONE elses fault! 

So over the last few years I have had a major realization of who I am, my purpose, how to be accountable for my own actions and decisions, how to embrace the role I have been given and most importantly how to be the best person that I know how to be!

I pray that you will enjoy my blog...I will be flooding you with as much information, inspiration and motivation as I possibly can.  I can't possibly keep it all to myself!